Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
