I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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