i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Liz is crying about burritos again.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
