my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
