Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
