this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
