meet me or not, i'm out of control
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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