I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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