dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I need a beard to bite.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
