I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Watching her eat just hurts me
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
