Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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