like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
