All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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