I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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