you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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