he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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