upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
