It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm like, not good at living.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize