I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
