At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
