I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
