can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
