i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She bit a glass in half.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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