so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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