So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
