Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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