i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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