I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
high people should be assigned attendants
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
