you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
