Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
