my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
