Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
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We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
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Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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