I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
