im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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