i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
