i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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