I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
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