you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
