The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
