I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
