i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize