I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
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