She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
