Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Randomize
