I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
