Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
