My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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