2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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