tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
