When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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