i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
two words: eviction party
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
