you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
