I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
