i just wanna soil my oats bro
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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