wanna go halves on a baby?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
